With apologies to the Pythons, a conversation between me and a helpful soul at Vodafone in Woking last weekend:
"Good morning, sir, welcome to Vodafone!"
Ah, thank you my good man.
"What can I do for you sir?"
Well, I was sitting at home just now browsing through this 'ere iPhone and I suddenly came over all irked.
Ere, ah'wor fucked off, like.
"Ah, fucked off!"
In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, 'a little finger waggling bleat will do the trick' and I curtailed my browsing activities, sallied forth, and penetrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the satisfactory resolution of my irritation.
I wish to make a complaint.
"We're closing for lunch."
Never mind that, my lad, I wish to complain about this 'ere iPhone wot I bought a few months ago from this very boutique.
"Ah yes, the iPhone 5C. What's, er.. What's wrong with it?"
I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It has 8gb of storage, that's what's wrong with it.
"No no, it's, er...it's, er...."
Don't you dare try to tell me it's just resting.
"Wouldn't dream of it. Why is only having 8gb of storage a problem?"
Why is it a problem? I'll tell you why it's a problem. When I bought it you told me it was 'the same' as the phone I upgraded from. 'It's just newer,' you said.
"Well, it is."
Yes. That's lovely, but it has half the capacity of my old phone, so it's hardly the same, is it?
It is what?
Explain the logic underlying that statement please.
"Well, it's shiny and has buttons and everything."
Yes. Can I store as much stuff on it as I could on the other phone?
"Depends on what you're intending to store."
Do you in fact believe the statement you just made?
"No, not really, sir."
"No, not a scrap of it. I was deliberately lying to you, sir."
So what do you intend to do about it, then?
Yes, do. Something. About it.
"Ah, we can't do anything about it, sir."
And why not?
"Well, it's our policy only to offer exchanges or refunds within 14 days. And it's been longer than that, hasn't it, sir?"
I see. So let me recap. When you sold me this phone you told me a lie.
You told me it was the same as my old phone, but in fact it has half the capacity.
But despite having told me a lie and admitting that you told me a lie you don't intend to do anything about it because I didn't come back here within 14 days?
And the fact that I'm well within the limitation period to make a claim for misrepresentation doesn't alter your thinking in any way?
Well I'm sorry but I'm going to have to shoot you.
What a senseless waste of human life.